Never An Absolution
by Sand Dun
Summary: There are many ways to become broken, to feel hollow, and lost. And often what is most pure and tender is what brings it upon the most, because of the vulnerability it can entail to the soul. Love. It can be a blessing or a curse. It can cut the deepest or last the longest. It can bring joy or it can bring pain. But it can bring life and never end with death... Pang De x Ma Chao
1. Love Never Dies A Natural Death

Time collapses into a current of disregarded space that merely puts a gap between one moment and the next. Broken and drifting into a stretch that forms a life that seems like a faraway dream with no matter of importance. Days drift away like the petals of a rose, slowing withering and falling to reveal a cold vulnerable bud that life had once birthed and flowered from.

His soul burns for what compassion he lost and tender touch he once felt so fondly, but his heart is cold, tired, and confused. The loving eyes that had captivated him in a deep affectionate gaze are gone, gone not in death, but in loyalty and in all regard of what once was. His mind refused to believe what he heard. Rumors and conjecture, but he found they had rang true. Even in all his stubborn pride and arrogant refusal, he could barely contain his rage and being brought under the brutal subjugation of deep pain.

Words are merely sounds that offer no comfort or council. And his lonely self-counsel on quiet rides in the countryside had done him little good and perhaps more harm. The betrayal, the loss, the sheer weight of the collapse of a relationship that had once been so strong is almost too much to foster.

It had been too much to loose, too much for time to erase even if an eternity were to pass.

Memories are the light in his darkness, overwhelming him with joy and sadness, pain and passion. They come in the form of thoughts and dreams, though he will merely call them nightmares now for the man in them is a cold and distance figure of betrayal. But it confuses him too no end that a man such as the one he had shared such strong feels of affection for would have the cold brutality to pound a stake into his heart.

Everything in his memories of the man are caring, kind, and even gentle. It angers, pains, and saddens him. His heart is stuck in the vulnerable position of hopeless confusion. He wants to hate the betrayer, but he had held such feelings for him that it is hard to feel such a sudden opposite of emotion. But he is a man driven by burning passion and fierce determination. If he wants something truly bad enough, he will eventually obtain it. So to forget the man, to pull out the stake and stitch his bleeding heart, he would-and will-not spend a moment letting himself think that it wasn't a betrayal, that it wasn't a misunderstanding, that he had never loved the man, but was merely toying with him in a cruel game (even though that is a terrible lie). Even if he has to pretend sometimes, he assures himself he utterly revolts the man that tore his heart out and joined the very forces that nearly destroyed his whole family.

But deep within, he knows he cannot continue on this broken path of anguish, and yet it is only too easy to become overwhelmed by the forever hunger of pitiless emotions...

Chapter 1

The stiff leather of his reins is rough in his left hand. He shifts in his saddle, a place that has felt natural to him since he was only a young boy. His right hand pats his horse's neck, the muscles feel tense in anticipation. The smooth coat soothes the frays of overwrought that he shares with the animal. They both know what is to come. He has ridden this horse for 9 years exactly. The last stallion his father had ridden had fathered the colt and little could mean more, knowing that this handsome animal keeps him that much closer to his beloved father.

A deep breathe breaks his lips. He almost believes he can taste the coppery tang of the blood that has been spilt. Here, less then a quarter mile from the skirmish, he can hear the clang of steel and the baleful screams of suffering. Thick anticipation curls in his stomach as he closes his eyes and is spurred by the sounds of the nearby battlefield. He can imagine himself in the skirmish... the rich smell of blood filling the air thickly and the perilous danger that threatens him openly. He has felt like this many times before, starting ever since reaching the age of 16, when he was dubbed old enough to help protect Xiliang from any invaders.

He has been where some veterans have called 'twilight' because of its resemblance of the last fleeting moments of light and the fall of darkness. Light or day is always life, while darkness or night is always death. It is never called dawn, but only twilight for, even though there will be survivors, many will fall into darkness and death is always the bringer of darkness not light. War is darkness, seamless and devouring. And when twilight has passed that darkness will blanket all in the shadows, the many deaths and lives stolen forever. But dawn will eventually and always with light. Dawn is the commemoration of twilight. It is the fleeting moments before light overtakes the darkness, just as in twilight it is darkness that overtakes light.

His father had been one of the veterans who had believed battle was like twilight. He had been the veteran that had told him what it was... what it could do.

Ma Chao knows change. He can feel it in the bones of his fingers when he clenches his spear and charges into the fray. He has changed. Battle changes him. Betrayal changes him. He doesn't notice by himself, but his cousin, Ma Dai, will often look at him in an odd way and exclaim how much he's changed.

"They've given the signal." Ma Chao glances at his Lieutenant as the man spurs his horse to his right side. He nods in acknowledgement, meeting the seasoned man's eyes. "Give the men orders to prepare for the charge. It's finally time," he replies, breaking his gaze away to the tree line ahead of them.

...

_'Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.'_

* * *

I have wanted to write something for Ma Chao and Pang De for a long time. Originally I wanted something along the lines of a happy romance, but this evolved instead thanks to my playlist. And so I'll warn you that this is a story written with a heavy heart.

The song I found to resemble this chapter the best was 'My Immortal' by Evanescence._  
_  
Thanks for reading! Na lû e-govaned vîn~


	2. Numb To Even More

The crisp morning air draws his cheeks flush he spurs his horse in an easy trot. Ahead with his Lieutenant, Ma Chao leads his calvary with a clear pride. Him, sitting straight and naturally upon his handsome silvery stallion is everything in the sense of being proud and impressive. He holds his head high enough to advocate an arrogant posture, but not overly so.

The General's pride does not lie solely in his self-confidence and resolve, it extends greatly to the trained and battle-worn soldiers behind him. Their staunch faces and deadliness in strife is prowess enough to bitterly remind him of the days of the Eight Riders. But he doesn't allow his thoughts to emerge any farther then the title he had proudly bestowed upon the riders, because the name of a certain rider is venomously painful to recall.

The dipping hills of the plains before the army is enough hide the view of the battle, but Lord Zhuge Liang had perceived these naturally rolling hills to be the perfect cover for another force to approach unforeseen in a matter that would be most untimely for the enemy to react obstructively in a counter offense. And knowing Wei would try to achieve a quick victory to sustain numbers and morale so they could continue their march, the Prime Minister had advised for a fast, cunning calvary force to be sent to reinforce the Shu army. The force would be hidden to counter what the enemy would inevitably do.

A chance to ripe out the throats of Cao Cao's men called to Ma Teng's eldest son like the wolf's instinctive to hunt when hungry. And Lord Zhuge Liang needed a man who's life in battle had almost always started from the saddle. Even if he knew the pain that he would have seen in Ma Dai's eyes, because his cousin would know why he openly elected to be chosen, he went. His cousin knew of his hunger and direful quest for revenge, but the younger man's words would not-and never could-stop the warrior.

"Lieutenant," he says, not breaking his eyes away from the rolling hills before him. He reins his horse to a halt.  
"My lord?"  
"I decided we're leaving a quarter of the men here, the three-hundred still behind the tree line. Who's third in charge? Captain Chang Ling?" Normally the General knows his subordinates on somewhat of a personal level, do the the nature of getting a better team spirit and loyalty, but his last third in charge, Captain Song Li, had been gravely injured during the defensive battle at Zhuyi. Up to his elbow, the man's arm had been amputated. Since the incident, the General hadn't time to acquaintance himself with his Captain's replacement. "Captain Chang Li, sir. He's inspecting the formation of the men behind the vanguard." Ma Chao nods.  
"Good. Tell him he's in charge of the three-hundred we'll be leaving behind. If the enemy should decide to flank from the east as well, we'll need men waiting here to counter them. I'll send some of our riders to have the Shu flags taken down so they can be raised again for the same signaling. He'll know when to counterattack by them."  
"Chang Li has only had four months of active service in battle. Two of which were defending castles that were never attacked. Send me in his stead." Ma Chao's smirk is small and fleeting, momentarily as if recalling a memory.  
"You learn fast out on the battlefield, as I'm sure you know, Lieutenant Wen Zhongzheng."  
"That you do..." he replies with a sigh, knowing well the General is referring to Song Li. The Lieutenant reins his chestnut horse around to return to the back line and pass along the order to Captain Chang Li.

Ma Chao remains silent in the front of his vanguard. He can almost already hear the cries and smell the blood of the Wei soldiers dying as his spear cuts them down and his calvary trample them to pulp under their great weight. It gives him some meager satisfaction to know he is crushing a measure of the army the Wei Lord had once used to attempt to destroy the once great Ma family. But killing Lord Cao Cao's armies will never be enough. He wants-needs-to kill the man himself. His fingers curl around the cold metal length of his spear. Many times he'd envisioned striking this brilliant weapon into the murderer of his family. He had enacted how he wanted the scene to play, down to his words and expression. The utterly baleful thought of driving his spear into Cao Cao's black heart and watching life drain from his eyes is too malevolent for a man of Shu, though. His hatred controverts with the benevolent righteousness of his lord and his beliefs. But revenge had stung him long ago and the noxious venom has long since become part of him. It is no longer a choice to stop.

He raises his spear above his head. He judges Captain Chang Li knows his orders by now and his Lieutenant is returning to the vanguard now. He glances behind him to see his men, all nine-hundred of them, have risen their weapons as well. There is a sheen of battle-readiness written heavily on their faces and in their eyes.

Ma Chao reels his horse around to address them. They expect his words as much as they expect the clash of steel and the spilling of blood. "Today we shall bring down a wrath of which these Wei dogs have never seen the likes of before!" Ma Chao shouts."Shu shall know a grand victory this day, and we will ride on the tides of which will bring it forth! Forward, in the name of our lord!" A grim smile spreads his lips as he meets his Lieutenant's eyes and the man nods in approval.

Reining around his horse forward, he spurs the silvery stallion into a fast that looms at the cusps of being a steady gallop. The thundering hooves of nine-hundred calvary men echo behind him. "Short and spirited words, my lord." Ma Chao looks fleetingly at his Lieutenant through a side glance as he comes up at his left. "I didn't feel like a long speech today," he offers almost casually.  
"When have you ever offered a long speech?" Ma Chao laughs half-heartedly.  
"A wise man once told me that a good General can spur wrath and unbending courage into his men before battle with only a few cunning words."

...

The General sets the course around the battlefield, to route the Wei forces before they make their decisive attack. It was decided that if Wei should attempt to counter from the east, a Shu flag would be waved above the hill behind their main force and if it were from the west, two Shu flags would be waved. A simple interpretation. And if the situation was urgent enough, a messenger was at the ready to ride back to the calvary force.

As two Shu flags had been spotted atop the hill, Ma Chao leads his forces west. It is precarious not knowing how many of Wei's forces split from the main force to flank Shu's army, but Ma Chao firmly believes they will stand no chance against his calvary even with their numbers. And it is safe for him to assume the force is moderately small. The Wei and Shu forces had nearly been evenly matched, save that Wei arrived with two-hundred more. Though not enough numbers to make the battle won decisively by show of vastness, it is enough to give them somewhat of an edge.

As so, Ma Chao's calvary plays a notably important part. Not only is he tipping the scale in Shu's favor by destroying Wei's counterattack, but he also greatly gives their army a number advantage. But the sheer size of a force does not decide its victory. And with this in mind, Ma Chao knows he needs not only obliterate the Wei counter force, but also move around and flank Wei's main force. Understanding this, it is the very reason the General left three-hundred of his calvary behind. Seeing their flank being attacked, Wei might attempt to flank to the east. The remaining calvary will be fresh and ready to gallop into the enemy's ranks to stop them.

This portion of the plan is Ma Chao's cunningness alone. The Prime Minister was forced to be brief when informed of the advance of this battle due to the short notice that the two forces would be meeting. A fair portion of the planing had been left up to the two Generals leading the main force and Ma Chao as he emerged with his calvary. The two Generals are only aware of calvary's presence as their reinforcements and their ability to guide a counterattack using Shu flags thanks to the message sent from the Prime Minister and handed along by a messenger from Ma Chao's calvary. They have no knowledge of Ma Chao's further plans. And Wei does not know of Ma Teng's eldest son's presence. Sending another rider to the main force to inform them of his plans to have the Shu flags readied for his three-hundred calvary would only serve to make the enemy more suspicious. And as so, Ma Chao has only the choice of sending some of his riders back to the hill as he moves to the west and having them watch the Wei forces themselves.

Captain Chang Li had been informed of this plan by Lieutenant Wen Zhongzheng and would know to move east if one Shu flag is raised. But as far as he has concerned himself, Ma Chao perceives getting the message to his Captain will not be his biggest problem.

No, his biggest concern right now is successfully collapsing the three lines of Wei soldiers before him. With the glance of an eye, he estimates three-hundred. Three-hundred men unsuspecting of the calvary before them that are hellbent on preventing their advance. "Charge!" Ma Chao cries out. His spurs dig into his horse's sides, driving the stallion forward at a hard gallop. He faintly hears his Lieutenant repeating 'charge' over the thundering roaring of horse hooves.

_'With each swift yet violent movement... me, myself, and I became alive... So aware of everything yet so numb to even more.'_

* * *

A special thank you goes out to Scytherageroses for your awesome review. :) Haha, don't worry, I didn't plagiarize your Ma Chao and Pang De story ;D

Sorry. I forgot to add the song that matches this chapter (recalling this is a personal preference). Thistles And Weeds by Mumford & Sons. I would like to note the first part of the song does not necessarily have correlation, but rest seems to.

Thank you to any and all readers.  
No veren~


	3. The Flame

The blood that flies with the slash of a sharp blade stains his face and armor. His eyes crackle with a fire that burns from the passion of battle. And the crimson red blotches that splatter against his face are heeded to as much as a wolf would notice its muzzle becoming stained when it feeds.

His demeanor is blood-crazed. Each man he kills, he scorns and curses at with the knowledge of their servitude towards their Wei Lord.

The battlefield tears his soul apart. Silent tears of rage drag down his cheeks, mixing and taking some of the blood with them. Master Pang De serves the fiend Lord Cao Cao just as loyally as these dogs do. He took up arms with the murderer as easily as a bird might decide to fly east instead of south. A broken scream of pain and anger breaks from his lips. His Lieutenant mistaken it for sustaining an injury, but when he manages to rein his horse beside Ma Chao's showing camaraderie worry, the warrior ignores him.

He hates to be weakened like this. The battlefield breaks him like this as much as it builds his walls higher. He needs and loves it as much as he hates it. He can't stand being still and away from the war cry. Peace is almost tormenting because of the wounds it reopens, the memories that rebirth. His dreams are haunted. It is almost as if sanity has fled from his mind. He can only think of two faces: the one of a man he once loved and the one of a man he loathes.

Ruthlessly killing Cao Cao's men, hoping to attain the death of the Wei Lord himself is a bloodbath with revenge. He knows he wants the fiend dead, but his heart is confused with Pang De. He is utterly determined to hate the man, but there is still the warmth a kiss had left even if the rose it had blossomed has long since lost its petals and shriveled to die alone.

He roars in anger at his hesitation to hate the betrayer, swinging his spear fiercely and spurring his horse forward. The brute force of his anguish and frustration is nearly enough to cleave off the man's head he aims for. "My lord! Ma Chao! Control yourself, you're in too deep!" The faint voice of his Lieutenant is almost lost amongst the clamor. But it's enough for the warrior to rein his emotions momentarily. His reels his horse around too sharply, causing the animal to rear-up high. He looses his balance and falls heavily to the ground, cursing loudly. He regains his footing and turns to see his calvary clashing through the Wei counter attack. He knew he had hit the force first, but had lost track of his distance from his men and must have ridden through, dancing around in the back, nearly by himself. His Lieutenant rides up beside him. "Are you wounded?"

"No, I... I... We need to keep advancing. Send three riders back to the flags, tell them to watch for an eastern flanking maneuver." His Lieutenant's words are lost to the General as he kneels to retrieve his spear.

Faithfully, his horse had not gone far. Ma Chao pulls himself into his saddle and breathes deeply in a vain attempt to calm his storm. He hadn't felt such a overcome emotions pouring over him on the battlefield as fiercely as this before. It's getting worse. He needn't another opinion to know.

He turns his attention to his men. They await his words. It gives him a thrill to know he wields such daring power. "Prepare to flank the enemy!" he shouts to them. "With this final strike, we shall bring forth victory!" A cheer arises. He knows they are more eager for the end of the battle then the shedding of blood. But he... he is eager to spill more Wei blood. It shames him to know his men's desires are more just, but does not deteriorate the feeling. He cannot stop the demon-reined desire.

...

Once more, he leads the charge. He can feel his Lieutenant's curious and worried gaze piercing his side, but he does not turn to look at the man. He cannot. He is shaming himself and his family with this direful desire for blood.

As they arrive at Wei's flank and crash down upon the main force's back, hearing the screams of fear and the strong iron-coppery smell of blood spurs Ma Chao on just as it had before. He slashes madly at his enemy, desperate to kill as many of the soldiers as possible.

The silvery coat of his stallion is stained red like a crimson sunset.

It feels as if the battle has barely begun before it is over. Wei is wise to know a defeat and is quick to retreat once they see their flank being easily destroyed by the sudden arrival of calvary. Ma Chao wants to rein after them and slay the Wei dogs down to every last man, but he holds himself with the last of his self-restraint. It would do no good to rage after them like a rabid beast.

He swallows thickly, realizing his throat is dry. He'd been more vocal throughout the battle all together then he'd been aware of. It doesn't matter now. The battle is won. It should be a moment to rejoice, but he only feels a shroud of dark mist enfolding upon him. A sad look makes his eyes murky. He feels only regret now, like a dark storm raining tears inside him. It complies a rejecting feeling of self-loathing and self-blame. He wishes he would feel anger. It, at least, gives him the consolation of feeling strong.

"Master Ma Chao!" He turns towards the sound of the young voice. Huang Zhong and Guan Ping are making their way towards him on horseback. The youth is clad with a pleasant smile, which Ma Chao tries and fails to return, while Huang Zhong has a small appreciative and amused one tugging at his lips. "Well, that was a success, if I don't say myself," the old warrior says. "I'm in your debt for arriving so soon after we sent word to the Prime Minister." Ma Chao bows his head in acknowledgement. "No need. It is always an honor to help bring victory to Shu." His words are nearly hollow, but he hasn't the will to put his usual vigor into words. Guan Ping's mind seem elsewhere, but Huang Zhong notices, and his bushy eyebrows furrow together. "Indeed..." he slowly replies. He seems to shake the thought by looking out towards towards the north where Wei had retreated with a weary look. "Pang De put up a rather impressive fight for just a whelp. Though his heart didn't seem completely in the fight when he struck his blade against mine... He was leading the vanguard, while Xu Huang remained in the back. I think Xu Huang should have lead the vanguard. There's much to had when an experienced warrior leads." Knowing Xu Huang is only two years older then Pang De, it's quite obvious that the old Generals is using this as an excuse to suggest his own veteran skills in battle.

But Ma Chao is oblivious.

He is frozen. His heart feels horribly stuck between blossoming warmly or wintry cold. It makes him feel sick.

He had been closer in distance to Pang De today then he had been in the last a year. His mind goes blank, almost unable to comprehend the acknowledgement. And he cautiously wonders how close he'd gotten to the man without even knowing and if his old ally had even noticed or remembered him.

But then he feels the strong unsurpassable urge to see the man again. Even if he has cursed, loathed, and sworn to kill the man he's called a betraying monster and villainous fiend no better then Cao Cao himself, he still cannot curb the sudden and almost desperate desire to see Pang De's warm baby blue eyes and everything that makes him the man he'd once loved.

He finds himself gauging the distance the Wei forces would retreat before setting up camp while Huang Zhong estimates casualties and where they should make their encampment in case their beaten foes should attempt a raid at night in an attempt to regain some of their pride. Battle-weary and disheartened, he makes the assumption Wei will be willing to only go two or three miles. He could ride that distance in an hour at a steady gallop...

_"It takes only an hour to like someone,_

_and a day to love someone,_

_but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."_

* * *

Scytherageroses, nearly anything with Pang De and Ma Chao that is about their relationship is enough to have my attention! ^^ But I really don't like the tragedy of their relationship. It makes me want to write a jovial story for them, so they have a happy ending.

The songs I recommend for these chapters don't necessarily have to be listened to while your reading (if you are interested in listening to them). The music really does give you a more in depth sense of the emotions. (Or so I find)  
The song for this chapter is: Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by Emily Brown (Sucker Punch Original Motion Picture Soundtrack version). I am short on songs... if you have any suggestions for songs, your opinion is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

No veren~


	4. Inside Of Love

They say the farthest distance one will travel is from the mind to the heart, that one's head is logical while one's heart is instinctive. As the cool evening's breeze chillingly kisses his face, Ma Chao finds the words echoing in his mind. His head tells him to hate, but his heart wants to love. The two could never be farther apart and it is only too clear that the journey to from his head to his heart will be long. Maybe too long.

Still, as a man born within the Ma family and raised in the Province of Xiliang, Ma Chao can hardly stop himself from not enjoying a refreshing ride under the quarter moon's light. The air feels clear and crisp, tasting sweet. And mounted on his stallion, he feels distantly at his true home.

To save time so that he is not missed back at camp, he opted to leave behind anything he deemed would slow him down. Even though he had told Lieutenant Wan Zhongzheng he was going for an evening ride, he knows he can only be gone for so long before the seasoned warrior would begin to wonder. Therefore, his horse carries no saddle and is even free of the discomfort of reins. Instead, Ma Teng's eldest son reveals his truly natural place on a horse's back by holding onto his silvery stallion's thick mane. The warrior has even gone so far as to discard the protection of his armor and spear, taking, instead, the light protection of a meager dagger. He has no plan to make his presence known. Heavy equipment would only be cumbersome and loud on this mission.

As his allows his horse to lead them up a hill, he catches sight of the flicker of torches half a mile away. Hesitation pinches him sharply, but he doesn't slow his horse's pace. It's too late to turn back now. And besides, he has strove to never to be a man that allows fear influence his actions and choices.

The closer he gets, the more adrift with different his emotions his become. He feels somewhat muddled, unable to translate how he truly feels. But when he gets close enough to dismount and begin creep towards the camp, emotions no longer matter.

The first guard he comes upon is leaning against a small tree, looking bored and utterly tired. Fortunately for the General, for he nearly runs into the man. He guesses the perimeter is splayed in a circular fashion. Pang De had always found this shape to be most favorable for protective. Ma Chao had never forgotten. He remembers most things about his former General only too well. It causes him to sigh sharply, wishes such things would fade away with the wind...

The soft murmur of voices draws the Shu warrior like a moth to a light. The yearning is dangerous, but something he cannot stop even if he knows it might be the death of him. The thought of being so close to seeing Pang De has him drowning in conflicting emotions once more, but his mind goes utterly blank as a small campfire's glow reveals a face he could never forget. His heart starts pounding heavily in his chest, like a wild bird trapped in a cage small.

"Pang De," he mouths. As if hearing what is not spoken, the said warrior turns to look in Ma Chao's direction. Though, he could not possibly be seen, Ma Chao still feels as if Pang De is peering into his heart and soul, seeing him as he hand so tenderly seen him once. Anger chokes the warrior. His hand flees to the reassurance of his dagger's hilt, but he does not draw the weapon and only grips the handle tightly.

Tears overcome him without warning, flooding silently down his cheeks. He still loves Pang De. It is painfully unmistakable and leaves a bitter coldness in his soul like a bleak, lonely winter's night. He wants to look into the General's baby blue eyes and see what he knew had been love. Before Pang De's betrayal, he knew, like a mother bird knows it is time for her children to leave the nest, that he had been falling hard and fast for his General. It had been the most utterly pleasant surprise when that feeling was returned. Even now, he cannot even begin to forget the tender loving way Pang De had kissed him with such seamless compassion. One simple action had whispered a thousand different words. It had made his legs weak and left his chest with such a warm feeling that he has never felt since. No matter how much he struggles to make himself hate this man, he cannot deny that his heart is forever owned by him.

He blinks back tears without success. It's as if his heart is crying at the sight of his lost lover. And that is something of a fierce passion that he knows he cannot stop even if it makes him feel utterly broken. He tries to make himself feel anger so that he can scorn the man, but the wall he has built up has crumbled. He releases the hand on his dagger's hilt and continues to stare at Pang De. Does the man even know how much pain he has caused?

...

The ride back to camp seems to last an eternity, contradicting how it felt as if he'd ridden for only a moment to get to the Wei camp. The General feels more tired then if he'd fought five battles, one after the other. Instead of caring for his horse as he often does before bed, he simply gives his reins to a soldier and heads for his tent. He narrowly avoids bumping shoulders with Lieutenant Zhongzheng and bides the man a 'good-night' in a hollow voice as he flips open his tent flaps. He can feel the veteran's worried gaze piercing his back, but he doesn't offer explanation or further words. Instead, he throws himself on his hard sleeping matt and stares at his ceiling in self-disgust. He had trembled and fell apart at the very sight of Pang De. He feels pathetic, wishing he had the vigor to hate the General as he did Wei Lord, Cao Cao. But Pang De is an only too different case. Ma Chao growls. He can't let his former General see him how weak his betrayal has made him. He must be as strong and steadfast with remorse as he is with Cao Cao.

His heart beats fast as if thrilled by the same rush battle gives him. Pulling out his dagger, he grabs the blade in his hand "I swear on the honor of the Ma family, I will end your life as easily as you betrayed me," he whispers, feeling the harsh pinch of the dagger biting into his flesh. He opens his hand, watching his blood flow, staining his skin and drip onto his sleeping matt.

_"Sometimes my heart hurts so much, I beat it with my fists. I try to run. But you cannot run from this. It waits for you. Even when you think you have escaped it, it is there."_

* * *

Your kind words are uplifting, Scytherageroses. :) I am enjoying giving him a dark side, seeing as he is portrayed as such a righteous 'justice!' kind of guy. I know there's some hate and pain in him from everything he's been through!

Ah, I finally get to recommend one of my favorite songs. For this chapter consider listening to 'Listen To Your Heart' by DHT.

Many thanks readers

No veren~


	5. Revenge Is A Fervor

Castle Yuzhong. A large stronghold lying on the cusp of Shu's territory, a foothold for Wei to capture and with which to use to campaign into the south to the Chang Province. Any who has been exposed to the knowledge of strong points to quickly wining a campaign would immediately know that the lose of Yuzhong and the Chang Province would be utterly devastating to Shu.

Rain has washed the crimson of Shu and Wei from the towering walls many times. The soils of the clearing before it are a no man's land that have run red from the mutilated bodies of those who have fallen. The stench of death claims the air as if those bodies had never been removed. And the aura is cold like the grip of death.

The stones seem to whisper of pain and bloodshed beneath his fingertips at the north western wall. But with the no man's land bleakly splaying before him, this wall has undoubtedly seen the horrors of battle the most. He curls his fists, feeling the cold lace into his flesh and grip him in its unkind embrace.

It is an unpleasant castle to be posted at, but his coming is necessary. Even though Yuzhong has managed to gain the upper hand of the many fierce Wei attacks, its aspiration for stability is fading. The walls have not seen repair since the era of war has begun. Holding the castle in his view from afar and seeing it from within, it had been easy to see the stronghold would not stand defiant against the massive Wei armies forever. Crumbling walls, destroyed towers, and the rotting wood of the stables and barracks spoke soberly of the constant battles and the price it has cost.

War. It brings many prices to be paid, some that cannot be paid in the mortal world. Death. Death is the price most often brought forth. And it is the price that can never be repaid. He had seen that death has been brought to here too often. The last quarter of a mile on the road to the Yuzhong castle from the Chang Province had been surrounded by a massive graveyard.

"Winter is nearly upon us. You'll catch a cold if you simply stand here till nightfall, young Master."  
"Death and sorrow make this place so cold," he replies, turning to his cousin. "That is why winter is coming early here." Ma Dai looks at him with sad eyes. "Don't worry about me," Ma Chao says, returning to the view before him. He listens to the sound of his cousin's sigh and then heels scuffing the stone as he descends the stairs. Guilt nips at him, but he feels numb. Numb not from the cold that chills him with a bitter indifference. Numb from the rawness in his heart.

Darkness had fallen upon him, looming and always present shadows brought on by the toxic bite of revenge. He can feel it wedging mental and emotional distance within him. He can feel it gnawing away at his being, creating a hollowness in his soul, binding his heart in thorns. He can feel it killing him softly, but he cannot stop it. Powerless as he is self-driven, he finds he controls the desire for revenge as much as it controls him.

He turns, looking down at the courtyard before him. The stronghold has become a swarming nightmare since scouts had returned dispatch of Wei forces having nearly broken through the Qiang Pass.

It shames him, but Ma Teng's son does not attempt to curb his vicious desire to spill more Wei blood. The battle on the Plains of Shiangdong three weeks ago runs through his mind regularly. As does seeing Pang De.

He frowns. Seeing the face of the man he had once loved was bitter sweet. His frown resides and his face appears emotionless and calm, ever contradicting to the thoughts and feelings running through his mind. He had told himself Pang De would own his heart forever that night, but had vowed to kill the bastard just as well. He looks down at his hand with a bloodstained cloth wrapped around the middle of his palm.

Would the death of his once ally free him? He does not allow himself the relief or sweetness of thinking it would. He is forever bond by the mortal chains of revenge. And while he does believe he will be freed of certain chains once Cao Cao is slain, slaying Pang De will not even weaken the chains that hold him. That he knows. That much time and reflection have taught him.

...

Dawn is crisp. The sun creeping up behind the north west mountains seems intentionally slower, as if taking pleasure in making the land suffer longer before its warmth can chase away the frost and chill the shadows of the night had brought on. It makes no difference. Even when the sun is in the sky, the grey mass of thick clouds thrown across the pale blue sky will hide it from view. The day seems forsaken to be cold.

The water in the troughs is iced over and the horses' oats are a frozen paste-like texture because of the moisture that had soaked through the bags. Shen does not mind, but his heart does not seem intent on eating as usual during the morning hours. Instead he eats half of what is offered and shies away from the care he has always been affectionate for.

"What is it?" Ma Chao questions, looking quizzically at the handsome stallion when he shakes off the brush again. The horse's dark eyes are deep, but Ma Teng's son cannot see what rests at the bottom of their pool. He is conscious of the animal's behavior, but does not know what the source would possibly be so he chooses to ignore it... for now. But as he saddles the uneasy stallion, an instinct, dull, but still there, speaks to him as well, yet he cannot understand what it warns him either.

The partaking is brushed aside as the warrior walks Shen out of the stables and is met half-way by a messenger. Ma Chao's eyes flicker darkly as the frightened young man stutters out his message through quick, shaky breaths and chattering teeth: "Lord Ma Chao, Lieutenant Wen Zhongzheng has c-come back with word of the Wei forces making it through the Qiang Pass... T-they are breaking into three smaller armies and are currently heading this w-way!"  
"You are dismissed," he simply replies. The man bows quickly and scurries off.

For a moment, he simply stands feeling the cold and watching it create small clouds of mist from each breath he takes. Shen impatiently hits the frozen ground with one of his front hooves and snorts loudly.

It is a rare moment when Ma Chao chooses to ignore him. His mind is struck by the new situation.

He had expected Wei to suppress their attack with a day's delay once they had made it through the Qiang Pass, but it would seem the enemy had expected him to think as much. Cunning and shrewd. He clenches his teeth, as the words depict a vague image of Cao Cao in his mind. The Wei army is doing well to represent the fiend that leads it, he remarks to himself. But nonetheless, he must act swiftly, lest Castle Yuzhong fall into the very hands it has suffered so many loses to resist.

Shen nudges his back, unappreciative of being ignored. A small smile flashes on the young warrior's face, before it grows solemn and dark again. "I know," he mutters.

He mounts, shifting his weight in the familiar position of his saddle. He knows. Another battle, brought upon the waves of the war. He gripes his reins and spurs Shen forward, out from the stables to leave behind the suddenly distinct body warmth of the other horses.

It seems that no matter battles he fights... no matter how hard he fights, he will never win this war. Not for the one for his kingdom and not within himself.

_'Revenge is a fervor in our own blood, to be cured only be letting the blood of another; but the remedy too often produces a relapse, which is remorse-a malady far more dreadful than the first disease, because it is incurable.'_

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Thank you for the review Scytherageroses. :D

Song recommendation: Only Time by Enya

Thanks for reading~


	6. The Green Fields Stained Red

"How much time do we have left?"  
"Not enough." The word are sharp and chilling, breaking to a man who fears death. His eyes meet his Lieutenant's. The familiar dark brown hue stares back at him unflinching and not stifled by the social and rank difference that separates them. Those eyes do not fear death. No, they challenge it, welcome it even.

Ma Chao nods. Words pass unspoken between them with the simple gesture. The endured hardships and time between the General and the Lieutenant has formed a bond, struck by the cold blow of war, but sharped by its steel.

"Form ranks!" Lieutenant Wen Zhongzheng's voice breaks through the crisp air like a rock striking the walls as it falls into an empty well. He then looks questioningly at his lord. Ma Chao knows what he is wondering. "Only a coward would back away. I will lead the men," he says. "Captain Chang Li."  
"Yes, sir?" A young voice replies to his left. The young Captain's voice reminds Ma Chao of what Wen Zhongzheng had told in him on the Plains of Shiangdong. _"Chang Li has only had four months of active service in battle. Two of which were defending castles that were never attacked. Send me in his stead."_ He remembers how he had merely smirked and had been willing to give the young Captain the early chance to lead a charge, possibly ride to his death. No. He will not do that today. Today Captain Chang Li will be the survivor.

He turns and looks into the Captain's shamrock hued eyes. Young, but willing. If given the chance to survive, he would make a fine General someday. "You will ride back and return to General Huang Zhong and Wei Yan. Tell Huang Zhong not to worry about the western and middle Wei armies. He needs to send a detachment to the east. The army there will be temporary isolated. Make sure he understands it is only temporary... time will be short." Chang Li's eyes flicker with surprise, fear, and disappointment. Ma Chao does not blame him for any of these things. "And, Chang Li, make sure General Ma Dai..." his voice dies off, knowing the grief that would shake his cousin. "Tell him he must carry the legacy of the Ma Family by himself now." He can tell the Captain wants to protest, but he is disciplined enough to keep such words to himself. "I understand this these are heavy words to carry," he tries to offers in a gentle voice, but it quickly turns strong. "But I trust you with this burden, Captain. It is now your duty to make sure this message is returned safely."  
"I understand sir." Ma Chao nods. He keeps his eyes ahead, noting the Captain break away from his left.

Wei had broken away the calvary unit from the main force, stranding them behind enemy lines with Wei soldiers in front and the Qiang Pass as at their backs. A clever move that had rode on the incentive of a trap. Ma Chao had thought to move quick enough to avoid this trap and take the eastern army by surprise, but it had seemed Wei had anticipated him to do so as much, however, and had given him no time to avoid the trap.

The strategy is familiar and he knows why. It had been a maneuver Pang De had commonly used where he could. Clever. Easy. And most often successful.

He grinds his teeth together, annoyed by his lack of ability to out maneuver his old ally.

"We have no hope of breaking through the enemy's lines and forming on the other side to help our allies," he says quietly. "There is not enough time and our causalities will be too high if we attempt it. We will be more use staying and fighting here. And the enemy expects us to route."  
"We have somewhat of an advantage then." Ma Chao nods slightly.  
"Perhaps..." But he is not certain. Pang De might expect him to do as much. "Even if not, it will give General Huang Zhong enough time to move on the eastern army. Hopefully.  
"There is little room for 'hope' on the battlefield, my lord," Wen Zhongzheng says.  
"Yes, I know. But we nothing left to do, but 'hope'." He shifts in his saddle. "I'll address the men now. The western army seems to be moving to join with the middle force... we should move now as well." His heels gently dig in Shen's sides, bringing the silvery stallion ahead of the calvary. He turns.

Five-hundred calvary. Five-hundred men to lead to their deaths. Indeed... a coward would have been broken.

"Soldiers of Shu," he calls out. "We are at a disadvantage, I will not attempt to hide it. The enemy is cunning and seeks an easy victory. But we stand here tall as proud warriors of our great kingdom. We will not let Wei take Yuzhong castle. We will not let the Chang Province fall! We will bring down such a hell-born wraith of fury, that Wei will know the stalwart power of justice!" He breathes in, filling his lungs to shout hard enough for all five-hundred to hear him. "They will cower and flee as the hooves of our calvary break down upon them! And upon the tides of our courage and tenacity, Shu will fight to victory upon this day. It will Shu who shall arise victorious! It will be the Shu flag that will stand proud and alone when dawn comes!"

A fierce uproar of voices call out to their commander. Ma Chao grins, feeling his chest brim with pride. He raises his spear high above his head. "For Shu!" he cries out. The words are echoed by five-hundred soldiers as they hold their weapons high.

Ma Teng's son then turns towards the ground of battle ahead of him. Blood will be shed and the sunset will glow red, but he does not feel fear knowing that his blood and body will be among the hundreds that will fall. Instead, his eyes glow with fury and determination. He is ready for this fight. He is ready to face Pang De. He is ready to die.

"Charge!"

_'You either die a hero, or live long enough to watch yourself become the villain.'_

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Thanks for the review Scytherageroses, and don't worry, more blood spilling coming up ;)

Thank you for reading~


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